How to Survive…being an Olympic athlete.
You’ve qualified and you’re going to represent your country at the Olympic games, congratulations! No no wait! Before you pop the champagne and start punching people there are a few things you need to know. The following tips will help make the road to London as smooth as possible so please take a few moments out of your busy training and wearing Lycra schedule to have a read.
Firstly, wear your nation’s colours with pride. You’re the elite of the elite and as a reward we’ll let you wear a matching tracksuit down the street without assuming that you’re a junkie. If the tracksuit is not a permanent enough option for you might even consider getting a tattoo? After all you now belong to the only demographic of our society that can get a Southern Cross tattoo without people cringing. So get inked up and then look down on those untalented nationalist bogans who mistakenly thought it was acceptable to do the same.
Ok now that you’re tatted and tracked up let’s talk about smashing. Smashing personal bests is great, smashing world records is even better but that’s where the buck stops. Don’t smash your teammates in the face, don’t smash your spouse, don’t smash down a couple of cones and definitely don’t smash up your luxury apartment. It doesn’t matter how much you plan to achieve for your country it will all be forgotten the moment a fucking grand piano flies through a wall…even if you own the wall!
As well as your smashing you should try and keep your ego in check. As an athlete arrogance is acceptable but only if it’s backed up with medals. I guess what I’m really trying to say is that if you’re a caucasian track athlete don’t be arrogant, it’ll just add to the embarrassment when you tear a hammy trying to keep up in the semi final runs.
Finally, unless you publicly fraternize with the opposite sex, be prepared for your sexuality to be bought into question. Why? Because you wear speedos in public, and for many middle aged men that’s all you need to do to be labeled well and truly gay.
Good luck Olympians, that’s all the hard stuff out of the way so now all that’s left to do is be the best in the world and win gold, enjoy.
You go to the Olympics, compete valiantly and bring home gold, immortalized as one of your countries greats.
Before you even compete at the games you assault a fellow team member so violently you shatter his jaw. Then, just as that event is fading from the public conscious, you pose with some guns and a smug look on your face that reminding us how you filed for bankruptcy to avoid paying the medical costs of your assault victim. Regardless of how you go at the games you’ve already been immortalized as one of your countries great douchebags.
Final words of wisdom:
Just don’t fall over. As Steven Bradbury showed us sometimes this is the only thing to need to win you gold. Excelling is really hard but simply staying upright should be easy so start with that and we can take it from there.