5. You incorrectly put the word “the” in front of things when trying to sound hip

e.g. So I was on the Facebook the other day….

4. You refer to your family as your “posse”

3. You use fusion words without realizing they make you sound like a fwanker.

2. You put a body kit on the Volvo that your parents handed down to you.

1. You wear a bum bag.

5. You pay your drug dealer with coins.

4. You take a date to an expensive restaurant and pay using a living social coupon.

3. The wallet you’ve bought was so expensive that you have no money left to put in it.

2. You sneak alcohol into a nightclub that has a $20 cover charge.

1. You order “the lobster and a glass of Goon”.

On the first of July it happened.  The most talked about, boring and politically divisive event of the year finally kicked off.  That’s right ladies and gentlemen the Australian carbon tax has come into effect (or the “tax de carbon” as nobody refers to it).  But how much will it cost you? Will it save the planet? And why are the penguins melting? Read on to find out.

Ok so let’s be honest the word “tax” is never going to get you off to a good start.  The game Monopoly taught us from a very early age that taxes suck because they cost us money (yet monopoly also taught us that a thimble was capable of paying a mortgage so who knows how much weight we should give the teachings of a board game).  Yet this tax is meant to promote green energy so surely that’s a good thing right?! I mean we’ve all heard that the polar ice caps are melting, the penguins are dying and in some extreme cases the penguins are melting to death.  Planet Earth seems to be going down the toilet at a rapid rate and as such we should want to do everything we can to stop, or at least slow, this penguin-melting phenomenon.  Saving the planet is something the vast majority of us seem to agree on, until it costs us money.  We want it to be green AND cheap, like a rookie prostitute, but that’s not what this tax appears to offer.

Although personally I think we’re getting sidetracked.  I don’t think any of these problems are with the tax itself but instead with the two people trying to sell/refute it; one is seen largely as a backstabbing, back flipping no hoper whilst the other is seen as a religious misogynist who’s morality seems to be caught in the dark ages.  Both these leaders have about the same amount of trust from the Australian public as an email from the president of the republic of Congo informing you of your newly acquired inheritance.  Yet despite, or perhaps because of this level mistrust a lot of advertising has been rolled out to bolster support for their respective campaigns.  We’ve seen everything; from billboards to TV ads to tiny posters sent to retail outlets that were later told they were forbidden to display them.  Team Abbott is telling us the end of the world is nigh, which many consider a more desirable option than him becoming prime minister.  Whereas over at team Gillard we’re being told to “suck it and see” yet last time I employed this tactic it resulted in me having to change gyms. 

Either way, the carbon tax is here.  How long it will stay is anyone’s guess and how much it will impact our nations green house emissions is still to be seen. The only thing that is certain in this whole schmozzle is that taxes are still indeed, very boring.

Best-case scenario: 

The only people that notice the carbon tax are the big polluters.  Slight increases in prices for consumers will be compensated and temporary as our biggest emitters find ways to move towards a cleaner and greener future.

Worst-case scenario:

Everything becomes so expensive that our whole country goes broke and soon the rest of the world will see ads displaying skinny Australian hipsters with bloated bellies accompanied by the voice over “just one dollar a day will get this poor teenager some lenses for his black thick rimmed glasses”.

Final words of wisdom:

Blame everything on the carbon tax.  It’s rare to have such a great scapegoat so you should make the most of it.  I woke up today and realized I’m broke, single and living in a crappy share house, up until this week I thought it was partly my own fault but now I realize the carbon tax is the real person to blame.

5. Interviewers will never know how to address you and ask questions like; “So what do I call you? Is it Lady? Or just Gaga? Or what?”

4. The expectations in the bedroom are enormous.  If you wear a meat dress for day-to-day activities then people are going to be disappointed with anything less than fireworks from orifices when it comes to the boudoir.

3. No matter how much you feel like having a lazy day, going down to the shops in track pants and a t-shirt is just no longer an option.

2. If you go to party and someone is wearing the same outfit as you it’s REALLY obvious.

1. Forever people will think the opening line to your song “Just Dance” is “Red Wine” instead of “Red One” you pretend like you don’t care but secretly it shits you to tears.

You’ve qualified and you’re going to represent your country at the Olympic games, congratulations!  No no wait!  Before you pop the champagne and start punching people there are a few things you need to know.  The following tips will help make the road to London as smooth as possible so please take a few moments out of your busy training and wearing Lycra schedule to have a read.

Firstly, wear your nation’s colours with pride.  You’re the elite of the elite and as a reward we’ll let you wear a matching tracksuit down the street without assuming that you’re a junkie.  If the tracksuit is not a permanent enough option for you might even consider getting a tattoo?  After all you now belong to the only demographic of our society that can get a Southern Cross tattoo without people cringing.  So get inked up and then look down on those untalented nationalist bogans who mistakenly thought it was acceptable to do the same.

Ok now that you’re tatted and tracked up let’s talk about smashing.  Smashing personal bests is great, smashing world records is even better but that’s where the buck stops.  Don’t smash your teammates in the face, don’t smash your spouse, don’t smash down a couple of cones and definitely don’t smash up your luxury apartment.  It doesn’t matter how much you plan to achieve for your country it will all be forgotten the moment a fucking grand piano flies through a wall…even if you own the wall!

As well as your smashing you should try and keep your ego in check.  As an athlete arrogance is acceptable but only if it’s backed up with medals.  I guess what I’m really trying to say is that if you’re a caucasian track athlete don’t be arrogant, it’ll just add to the embarrassment when you tear a hammy trying to keep up in the semi final runs.

Finally, unless you publicly fraternize with the opposite sex, be prepared for your sexuality to be bought into question.  Why? Because you wear speedos in public, and for many middle aged men that’s all you need to do to be labeled well and truly gay.

Good luck Olympians, that’s all the hard stuff out of the way so now all that’s left to do is be the best in the world and win gold, enjoy.

Best-case scenario:

You go to the Olympics, compete valiantly and bring home gold, immortalized as one of your countries greats.

Worst-case scenario:

Before you even compete at the games you assault a fellow team member so violently you shatter his jaw.  Then, just as that event is fading from the public conscious, you pose with some guns and a smug look on your face that reminding us how you filed for bankruptcy to avoid paying the medical costs of your assault victim.  Regardless of how you go at the games you’ve already been immortalized as one of your countries great douchebags.

Final words of wisdom:

Just don’t fall over.  As Steven Bradbury showed us sometimes this is the only thing to need to win you gold.  Excelling is really hard but simply staying upright should be easy so start with that and we can take it from there. 

5. Wow that game of monopoly was quick and fun!

4. I should really clean my face.

3. I wonder if Sour Apple Warheads are fair trade?

2. I hope there isn’t someone at the party wearing the same clothes as me, that would be embarrassing!!!

1. Maybe having my hand down my pants in public isn’t a great idea.

5. The motivational speaker status update: “It’s time to surround myself with people who truly believe in me!”

4. The corporate update: “Soooooo hate Mondays :(“ or “Bring on the weekend! Woot!”

3. The Foodie: Any picture of food followed by “Yum :)”

2. The mundane activity update: “Mmm naptime.”

1. The Abev: Anything involving words like “OMG” “totes” or “babez”, if the update happens to be “OMG my new GF is a totes babe babez!” you can legally also punch them in the throat.

Jesus refuses to make an appearance on his birthday and it’s for that reason all eyes rest on his main man to deliver his faith’s message to the world.  In this case his main man is Pope Benedict XVI and his message was delivered via Christmas Mass at St Peter’s Basilica.  The Pope’s message centered on the need for Christians to look beyond glitz and “superficial glitter” and embrace “humility and simplicity” which I think many would agree is a very valid message. Yet there is something wrong with this picture.  Actually, there are a few things wrong with this picture and they are all gold.  Gold in the form or chains around the Pope’s neck, rings on his fingers, linings on his oversized headwear and even gold in the form of an ornamental and completely functionless six-foot tall staff that he carries in his left hand.  The Pope’s words say “humility” yet his image says “welcome to my hip hop video bitches!” not to mention this whole speech took place in one of the world’s most extravagant settings.  If there existed a meter for irony this would’ve blown it to smithereens.  I’m not saying the Pope should wear a hessian sack but that this outfit isn’t just a little over the top, it’s exorbitant to the point Mr. T would see it and remark “even I think that’s a bit much”. 

At this point I will admit it’s easy for me to criticize the Pope because I am not a religious man.  Therefore, it is only fair I take aim also at someone whom I hold in high regard.  I love Kanye West.  I think he is musically amazing and artistically I view him in the closest thing I can possibly describe as a “holy light”.  Earlier this year Mr. West appeared at the Occupy Wall St. protests and, much like the Pope, was trying to deliver a very valid message; that wealth should be more evenly distributed.  Yet when I noticed he was wearing diamond encrusted gold grills on his bottom teeth I realized that, like Benedict, Kanye is so indulged in self that he lacks even the slightest perspective to realize his very image is contrary to his message.  I was not the only one who noticed this contradiction that resulted in the rapper being ridiculed by news networks the world over.  However unlike Kanye, this won’t be Benedict’s Occupy Wall St. or Taylor Swift moment, in fact for those who follow him it will pass by wholly unnoticed.

No matter how much you revere a public figure, whether they’re a musician, sports star or a religious leader, it’s important not to get so lost in their notoriety that you can’t occasionally sit back and objectively say “I love this guy but right now he is being a fucking idiot”.

In a perfect world Christmas day is a time for joy and love that is to be shared with those you consider your nearest and dearest.  In reality however, it’s a crazy yet somehow incredibly boring soap opera played out by a cast of the most infuriating people in the world, knows by outsiders as “your family”.  For many Christmas is not something to enjoy but merely survive and so with these few tips we hope to make it as pain free as possible, enjoy.

Firstly, it’s important to turn up on time, arriving ten minutes late to lunch isn’t a big deal but turning up to Christmas lunch at 1pm on Boxing day smelling like whiskey and regret is a very hard start to recover from.  The next thing to consider is presents.  Nothing will make you more quickly disowned than forgetting someone or arriving empty handed, and remember simply saying “but my presence is a present!” didn’t work the last 8 years you tried it so don’t even bother.  Also, when selecting your gifts ensure the present you pick is going to be appropriate for everyone to see.  Sure Uncle Les might agree with you and think the glittery dildo you chose him is a hilarious present yet if that same gift happens to be accidently opened by your 8 year old cousin Sally you will be ashamed, shunned and possibly even charged.

At this point it is important for you to know that, generally speaking, families are mental.  If you have a single member of your family that’s not bat shit crazy then you’re one of the lucky few.  Family members (usually lead by the oldest uncle for some unknown reason) are crazy; the more you get to know them they crazier they reveal themselves to be.  With that in mind you need to make sure that once at your venue you keep moving and don’t get stuck in the one interaction for too long.  Think of yourself as a conversation crop duster.  Spread yourself wide and thin and remember this is one of the times when polite conversation is a good thing.  The weather and sport are great neutral topics and try to avoid anything that may be turned into a chance for older family members to vent their views on “the Muslims” or “the youth of today”.

For those who don’t know the Victorian government passed a law last week giving police officers the power to hand out “on the spot” fines for swearing.  Some of you will be thinking that sounds a little draconian, others will have just said out aloud “that’s fucked!”  Both of you are correct and for those in the latter category your fine is in the post.

Police already have the power to charge people with “Behaving in a riotous, indecent, offensive or insulting manner” so why this extra step?  Is there studies recently undertaken that have revealed that swearing is a gateway behavior; the odd “crap” here and the occasional “shithouse” there and then what?  Armed robbery of course.  I thought Melbourne has always been seen as the progressive state yet this appears a very conservative step.  Now don’t get me wrong I do understand that some words are offensive yet surely this is a subjective issue.  For example; I’d much rather be called a “bit of a fuckwit” than a “rapist” yet in the eyes of the law the first is the one which receives the fine.  I can also quite happily listen to a young man say the word “shit” on steady rotation yet if an old lady says the word “moist” I think I might vomit.  And are swear words now banned altogether or just the vocalization of them? From now on if you’re fighting with a partner in public you need to calm down, find the nearest pen and paper then hand them a politely scrawled note containing the words “Go fuck yourself, it’s over!”.

So I’ve had enough and I’m going to protest.  I’m going to walk straight up to a cop and tell him he can shove his new laws right up his fucking arse.  Well I mean I will do that but first I’ve just got to wait until I get paid, until then if anyone asks me what I think of this new law I’m going to tell them that “I think it’s frickin’ silly”