So the most wanted man in the world is dead…when I say “most wanted” I mean in a criminal sense, ladies don’t worry Matthew McConaughey is still alive and well but Osama Bin Laden on the other hand, is dead…or at least that’s what we’ve been told.
Despite all the public pleading we don’t actually get to see the body, but then again has this ever been a privilege of the general public in the past? I must’ve missed the moment it became social norm to request this: “My aunty passed away on the weekend” “Oh I’m really sorry to hear that…show me the body” “I’m sorry what?” “You heard me. I’ll need to see the body otherwise I’m going to assume you’re full of shit and your aunty is alive and well”. So it seems like we have to take the word of President Obama who ensures us that yes Osama Bin Laden is definitely dead. Obama should know, after all he did get to watch the whole thing live thanks to cameras attached to the heads of special ops units. They even whacked a bullet proof vest on David Attenborough and had him narrate the whole thing. In fact the inside scoop is that when the DVD comes out this winter they’ll even include outtakes where they accidentally shoot civilians, sounds a little morbid I know but I’m ensured the Benny hill soundtrack played over the top turns the whole affair to comedy gold. It wasn’t just the president that was privy to this footage; a dozen of the most powerful people in America huddled round the plasma and ate choc tops while the action unfolded. The room in which this took place was called “The situation room” because they normally use it to watch episodes of Jersey Shore together.
The more that is revealed about this mission leads me to think the blueprint for the operation was taken directly from every spy movie ever made. They even had a code name for Bin Laden; upon obtaining a visual on him they would say the word “Geronimo” into their lapel (or boom mic depending on which picked it up better). They used the word “Geronimo” because apparently “I have a visual on Bin Laden” was way too vague and could’ve meant any number of things and “Um boss I think I can see the bad man” wasn’t quite the feel they were going for.
The Navy seals involved have been criticized for shooting Bin Laden whilst he was unarmed (and right in the face nonetheless) but personally I can understand why they did this. I’ve seen enough James Bond movies to know that capturing your target to kill at a later date inevitably leads to an elaborate escape involving gorgeous girls and foreign accents. No no they couldn’t risk those types of shenanigans with this level of terrorist. After the killings they proceeded to “bury” Bin Laden’s body within 24 hours to abide by Islamic law. This is the part of the proceedings which confuses me slightly. They shoot an unarmed man in the face and throw his body in an ocean without informing any loved ones yet for some reason choose to follow that one specific part of Islamic law?! To me that’s kind of like a rapist wearing a condom; I mean sure it’s a courtesy but I think you’re missing the bigger picture.
So should we trust the world’s largest military power when they say they’ve killed the world’s most wanted man despite revealing no evidence to the general public? Um…yeah I guess so. My mum had as good a reason as any I’ve heard for trusting the words of president Obama and that is quite simply because “he’s got nice eyes” and who can argue with that.